Me, Myself & I; Party of Three

Disconnection can be a bit overwhelming, dangerous even if its widespread in a given situation.

If I weren't such an insecure, self-questioning person, I'd wonder if I operated with an air of pretention. But in order to come off as pretentious, a person has to feel above everybody else in the room. I, on the other hand, rarely cop to feeling superior. It's the polar opposite, even.

So when I'm sitting in a room full of peers and people with sort-of-similar interests, you'd think that I'd feel at home. Or at least content. That's not the case, unfortunately. Sitting uncomfortably and self-consciously in a lounge-setting, I glance around at those sharing my presence and wonder why I can't genuinely gel with them. Sure, a few here and there are able to give me that "okay, this conversation feels good" sensation, but not enough.

Bring up a topic such as my favorite French horror film Inside and we're even Steven. Discuss the desire to write either short or long prose/fiction, and I'm a chatterbox when I'm not all open, interested ears. Or simply engage me in a human-to-concerned-human exchange of "how's your family, personal life" banter and I'll most likely reciprocate the inquiries.

But attempt to debate the merits of an Internet rap beef with me, and nowadays I instantly shut down. Mentally fade to black. Wonder internally why I can't get excited by the possibilities of going tit-for-better-rapper-tat. Present me with anything work-related, whether it be story ideas or clients you represent and want in a publication I have clout with, and I'll immediately haul ass to the bar for another drink, and take my sweet-ass time decicing on which overpriced beer to request.

I'm a creature fueled by preferences and secual interests, and lately I've found myself unable to adapt, or revert backward to cohabitate amidst people conversing about topics I deem "insignificant" in either my own or life's bigger picture. The difference between film chatter and musical conversation is elementary, really: when going back-and-forth about cinema, the merits fall strictly upon your respective defensive-talking-point's artistic quality; but with music, especially hip-hop, it's all about who sold more records, or who has a bigger buzz, or---God forbid somebody uses this word to state their peace anywhere near me, lest I promptly write them off as a "cool-chasing jackass drone"--- whose "swagger is better. And that's trivial like pursuit.

Again, this isn't me being pretentious in the slightest. Rather, it's me speaking from a place that I truly feel is heartfelt and both-sides-experienced. It's a crazy world these days, and I'm merely looking out for my future's best interests.

I just needed to drop these thoughts in written form somewhere, and what better/easier place than here? Just give me some DVDs, a good mystery/suspense/horror fiction book and/or graphic novel, and I'm as pleased as a canine lying on a bed of Snausages, shielding itself from the cold with a rawhide-blanket. If you're somebody who feels the same, then I'll connect with you, no question. Otherwise, if you're somebody who'd rather be socializing with riff-raff and feeling like you're somebody "important," go that way.

It's so haaaarddd.