Friday, September 19, 2008

Netflix Fix -- Irreversible

God, I love cinema. Every time I think that I've seen the craziest shit that the medium has to offer (Cannibal Holocaust, if not the craziest shit, is pretty high up on the crazy-shit chain). But, being the limitless beast that it is, cinema always finds a way to suckerpunch me into submission, or shall I say, visual euphoria.

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Irreversible, a film long said to be a truly stunning and one-of-a-kind piece of moviemaking, has long been on my to-see list, and now thanks to the glory of Netflix, my time has come. Definitely slipped out of work a bit early today, just to be able to head back to the apartment and watch it devoid of any distractions, being that my roommate said he was going to have a late night, work wise, so I knew I'd have the digs all to my lonesome....perfect for some intense movie-watching.

And boy was this shit intense. Previously, all I'd ever heard about Irreversible, an acclaimed French head-tripping drama from back in 2002, was that its the celluloid home to the mosr gut-wrenching, visceral, harrowing, and fearless rape scene ever put to film. But what I wasn't fully aware of is the narrative structure of the flick. Similar to Memento---only much less confusing and much more smoothly sequenced--Irreversible tells its rather simple story backwards. Starting with the closing credits scrolling upward from the last credit, scene-by-scene you're thrust into this surreal day from hell for Alexandra, a likeable and warm-hearted gal played by the flawlessly-beautiful Monica Bellucci, who gives an outstanding performance here.

Long story short, its a simple premise: leaving a party by herself, in anger as her free-spirited and loose-cannon boyfriend Marcus (played by Vincent Cassel, a great underrated actor in his own right, from Ocean's 12 and Eastern Promises) has pissed her off with his drug-use and general asshole mannerisms. After a shay chick gives Alex some bad advice, Alex follishly enters an underground tunnel walkway by herself, bumping into a evil-beyond-words pimp, who proceeds to rape her. And once Marcus and level-headed, pacifist Pierre---Alex's ex-boyfriend and still-chum who tagged along to the party with them---catch wind, they set off to find the rapist and exact some truly-brutal revenge.

This is one of those movies that, honestly, I can't see people ever wanting to watch more than once. Not myself, though; I'm surely buying this on DVD ASAP, just for the sheer technique and execution put forth by the utterly brave and unflinching writer/director Gaspar Noe. But man, this shit slugs you across the face repeatedly, like a sledgehammer being swung by The Incredible Hulk after the big green guy has injected three ounces of steroids into himself. Hits hard as all bloody hell.

Being that its structured in reverse order, the revenge and rape happen first, obviously, so the camerawork off the bat is so relentlessly loose-handed and frantic, your mood is instantly set off the ease-end and left into a state of surreal bewilderment.

The camera swirls around rooms, switches back and forth from upside down to rightside up. There's no music, which adds to the feeling that the viewer is part of the action. But aside from these points, what's most jarring and fucking genius to me about Noe's direction here is that Irreversible, seriously, feels like one long continuous take, a nonstop shot without edits. I'd imagine there are edits, of course, and I know where they'd be, but the way its pulled off, the camera never stops moving throughout the film's 90-plus runtime.

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For the first half, the camera swings around the scenery so frantically that you can't look away, even when some truly heinous shit is going down. And once the structure brings us to the preface of this party-to-forget, the camera calms down bucketloads, and stays in one place, focusing in on the dialogue tightly.

Irreversible is absolutely, positively, unequivocally a film that any and every cinema buff needs to see, at least once. If the art of moviemaking is something you largely appreciate and take seriously, this is one flick that will open your eyes to some beyond-inventive tricks and treats. Problem is, however, that recommending it is a bit tough to do. There's some unjustifiable things happening, scenes that are more-than-tough to endure. The revenge carried out, for one, is so raw, I won't even spoil it here, but I'll just say this--me, whose seen all kinds of insane gore and visceral shit, saw my jaw drop to the floor during it. And its nothing more than simple, spur-of-the-moment vengeance, but the way its done here is something else. And what makes it really sting is a twist thats employed, that you don't catch right away, but once you do, its a bit a shot the jugular. Well done, indeed.

And then there's that rape scene. About nine or so minutes long. No cuts. No edits. Just the camera sitting still, focusing in on Alex's worst nightmare come true within a dank, red-lit subway tunnel. Its spellbinding in such a wrong, foul, I-shouldnt-be-so-intrigued-by-watching-this-right-now kinda way. I'd imagine women, in particular, not being able to sit through the whole scene. I almost had to fast-forward through it, just due to sheer discomfort and near-shame for watching it. But I didn't, I stood strong.

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So yes, once again the French have kicked my ass with a real stunner of a film. I'd go into more detail about Irreversible, but really, this is one you have to see for yourself. And again, I've watched a flick that I'm now dying to discuss and debate and examine, but I don't know anybody else who's seen the thing. I really need to go on some Movie Lovers message boards or some shit and make some new friends that way. Being the lone cinephile in the bunch kinda blows. Chunks.

100 times better than Semi-Pro!!

No explanation or written intro needed here......just get ready to giggle. Like a school girl.


See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die

The Wackness

This ish never ceases to amaze me......

So Juelz Santana is putting out his new crew of forgettable friends and undeserving cronies, known collectively as Skull Gang. Do you give a shit? Nope, neither do I.

But what makes me point this otherwise "whatever" bit of news out is two of the members' names:

Deniro

John Depp


Come on, man. If not for TROPIC THUNDER, I'm sure "Pacino" would've been down, too. Are these dudes even trying anymore? I don't know about you, but I'm feenin' for that new B-Pitt mixtape to hit the streets. How about that DDL cameo that's rumored to be on it? (Daniel Day Lewis reference there)

I'm so, so over it.

That is all. Just felt the need to vent a smidge. Moving on.....

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Dream Weaver, Make-Believer

I really wish that somebody would up and build a Land Of Make Believe for adults....there was that rinky-dink amusement park that I went to a handful of times as a wee lad, but I mean something where us grown folk can go and bask in the glory of non-reality. You know, shit like employers who don't jerk you left and right and move at turtles' speeds giving raises....the hottest chick in the bar immediately hones in on you and throws herself at you, no strings attached, no questions or requests asked....you can eat all the apple pie, cheeseburgers, ice cream, and mozzarella sticks that your digestive system can stomach, and you wouldn't gain an ounce of fat; rather, such high-calorie cuisine would actually add muscle to your physique. Imagine that shit, huh? That's the stuff that pipe-dreams are made of, if you ask me.

The reason I bring all this up is that fantasy and non-reality has been interesting me so much more than reality lately. In the sense of, I'm all about reading fiction novels and watching genre-bending cinema, shit that transports me miles beyond Hoboken and into some far-off areas that I'd otherwise never experience. And I'm loving every second of it.

If I had my way, I'd be driving a white Dodge Challenger, Vanishing Point style, with a three gals riding with me (Rosario Dawson, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and Tracie Thoms). We'd be on our way to the Monroeville Mall, to do battle with some 1970s-era zombies, and Peter and Fran would high-five me after I emptied a few bullet-rounds in some undead head(s). Then Mary Elizabeth Winstead and I would branch off and go do our thing-thang elsewhere, making a pit-stop at the Corova Milkbar to say "What up" to Alex and his droogs. Rod Serling would interrupt our chit-chat session, turning the room into black-and-white, and he'd send Mary Elizabeth and I into another dimension--a dimension of sight (*crash*), a dimension of mind. Then there'd be a signpost up ahead, and we'd arrive at our next stop---Spooner Street, where I'd take Brian for a walk as Glen Q. shouted cat-calls at Mary Elizabeth, which wouldn't piss me off because Glen Q. is my dude, of course.
Once away from Spooner Street, Mary Elizabeth and I would then get a room at the Bates Motel, only Norman and his "mother" would take a liking to us and we'd be out of harm's way. Door closed, lights dimmed....Mary Elizabeth, still wearing her yellow cheerleader outfit, would begin disrobing to the sweet sounds of Tamia's "So Into You," and then she'd get on top of me, straddling my.....

Mary El =
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...and then, unfortunately, my alarm clock would go off, because this is reality I'm in, confined to against my will. But shit, what a fuckin' great dream that would be. [major cool points to whomever can name every pop culture reference found within the previous paragraph]

See, I've always spent loads of my days mentally somewhere else. It all traces back to when I was a kid. I used to draw up fake movie posters for fake movies---faux cinematic gems such as Suburb of the Dead, and The Wolfman of Fair Lawn (both were actually dreamt up by yours truly, btw, in addition to like 30 or 40 more, all saved in my parents' attic somewhere, on looseleaf paper). As I got older, I started writing short supernatural and horror stories, eventually evolving into 80-90 page "books" I'd scribe up in marble notepads. One was about a crazy zombie apocalypse, and the other was a gory slasher in the vein of Friday the 13th. Neither was upbeat at all, and both had dreary, dark, far-from-happy endings. And keep in mind, I was like 13 years old at the time.

In my even-earlier years, I used to sleep (true story) with a rusty old tire-iron under my bed, swiped from my dad's toolchest. The reason why: that's what Ben used as his main weapon of defense against the zombies in Night of the Living Dead, and there was no hero greater than dear Ben at that time. I also carried around a toy rifle--the old-school variety. You know, the ones where you had cock the underneath connector before disengaging. Because, you guessed it, Ben switched from the tire-iron to said rifle midway during Night.

Ben =
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It's a bit odd to say, but I'd really love for there to be an actual zombie apocalypse....like, the undead marauding around Hoboken on one routine Saturday night, eating the flesh of whatever unlucky twentysomething drunkards they could get their decaying hands on....I'd surely save the day, and I'd take out hordes of the living dead with ease. No one on any corner of zombie-infest Hoboken would have swagger like Matt, swagger like Matt, swagg-swagger like Matt.

That's for damn sure.

Celeb Roastin'

Needless to say, Brad Pitt is a great actor. One of my all-time favorites, even. But that doesn't mean that he's immune to a good, old-fashioned pie-in-the-face from time to time.

Ladies and gaymen, I present to you, your sexiest man alive:


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There was no way I could resist posting that pic. He's come a long way, huh?

Mean Sesame Streets

Bert and Ernie, as directed by Martin Scorcese.

God I love the Internet......


See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

To Be A Kid Again....or; Hoop Dreamin' (take your headline pick)

Have you gone to Toys R Us recently??!! Tell me why kids' toys are on a whole new level these days. Part of me gets depressed when I step foot in T-R-U, simply because I'll never be young enough to enjoy the packaged-wonders that reside within. But at least I have my cool-beans niece and nephew, though, to buy excessive amounts of these toys for and spoil the ever-living-crap out of....

But man, I stumbled across this while browsing online for gifts to get my man Nick for his upcoming 1st bday, and bestill my heart, its the coolest thing I've ever seen:


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Stats Monster Basketball, its called.

I'm seriously considering buying it and bringing it back to Hoboken.....Nick's only a year old, he'd never have to know.....okay, okay, I won't do that to my man Nicky.

But look at that pic again.....that lil girl is playing TERRIBLE defense. Somebody better make her run some suicides for the majority of next practice. That kinda man-to-man D is simply unacceptable.

Why In The Fuck?

Why in the fuck did I just take a nap, at 8pm, on a weeknight? Why in the fuck was, or even am, I tired? Work was slower than snails trudging through molasses today, so why?

I had big plans for tonight....okay, well not big plans, but plans nonetheless. Now, they're caput. It's 10:25pm now, and my head is spinning from a not-so-comfortable nap. Why in the fuck did every jackass automobile-operator happen to drive down my block and honk uncontrollably directly outside my window during the two-hour period in which I just so happened to rest my eyes? What part of the game is that? And then why in the fuck would somebody ring the buzzer for my apartment, forcing me to rustle out of bed and hit the come-on-in buzzer up here on my end, only to have the scoundrel buzzer-ringer never come a-knocking on my door?

Now my head hurts. Partly, I'd imagine, because my roommate is watching CNN-HD in front of me, broadcasting all of this Obama/McCain analysis in high-def, which only heightens my paranoid sense of "McCain has a sadly-strong chance of winning this thing? Fuck." Jeez, this country is overflowing with morons and red-state-douchebags. Why in the fuck can't Americans see, on the whole, that Sarah Palin is a airhead, puppet-y, still-pretty-sexy-in-a-conservative-MILF-way, but totally misinformed Republican pinup? And why in the fuck can't Americans, on the whole, realize that John McCain was only recently a very desperate man who chose a running mate whom he seemingly met like only a week prior? Sure, yeah, let's elect some geriatric blowhard whose whole campaign is riding on a gimmick, a ploy?

Why in the fuck does Anderson Cooper seem like a dicknose? Yes, I said "dicknose." Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Why in the fuck am I typing out my feelings right now, rather than doing something constructive like continuing to read my latest book (Stephen King's Cell), or watching the next flick in my Netflix marathon (Irreversible), or doing something else of the productive sort?

Why in the fuck?

Wanna Fight About It??

Where I've swiped my new favorite phrase from, good ol' Paddy Tanninger......and yes, I'm a "swagger-jacker," as the hipsters would say. Big whoop.......*wait for it, wait for it*......wanna fight about it???





Shit Gets Hairy....

Sorry. I'm just in one of those moods today, hence these pointless, sophomoric posts.


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But c'mon, man.....even the most mature, sophisticated Joe should find this funny. No? Fine, then.

Wanna fight about it??

Just 'Cause.....

......this made me laugh out loud. Yes, I'm juvenile like that.


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Book It! 2008 - Shutter Island

I can admit that I'm cheating a bit. By reading books that are in the process of being adapted into feature films, ones being made by highly-respected filmmakers, I'm sparing myself the experiences of reading shitty prose and sticking to quality lit. If a book is being turned into a movie, then odds are its a pretty good read, right? Safe to assume, no? Seems so to muah.

So thus far, in my newly-ignited penchant for readin a good book, I've breezed through a pair of great novels: Cormac McCarthy's The Road, and Jose Saramago's Blindness. And I've had basically nothing but praise for both, and very rightfully so. And in my recapping here about Blindness, I hailed it as the best book I've ever read, or something along those lauded lines. And at that point, it damn sure was.

But such an honor has been dethroned faster than the New York Yankees atop MLB's dominant-chair (sorry to all my die-hard Yanks fans/friends....I just can't avoid a good and factual play-on-words). Enter Dennis Lehane's mind-blowing, page-turning, head-scratching, and for yours truly, infinitely-inspirational work, Shutter Island.

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Lehane, a Boston-area native, is no stranger to having his books become movies---both his Mystic River and Gone Baby Gone were turned into stellar flicks, by Clint Eastwood and Ben Affleck, respectively.

But the pedigree involved in the movie version of Shutter Island, scheduled for October of 2009 release, was more than enough to get me intrigued.....

Director = Martin Scorcese
Actors = Leonardo Dicaprio, Sir Ben Kingsley, Emily Mortimer (who was great in the slept-on Transsiberian), and Mark Ruffalo (who is quickly becoming one of my fave actors)

And then I found out that Shutter Island has a mysterious, gothic, seriously-macabre tone to it, and my geekdom went into overdrive. Think about that.....Scorcese directing an eerie, unsettling, gothic psychological thriller? That's fucking sweet music to my macabre-loving ears! [I kinda hope they dont change the film version's title to the rumored Ashecliffe, though; Shutter Island just sounds much stronger to me. And besides, that's the original's name, for crying out loud!]

But man, oh man. Marty S. has his hands full, my friends, because Lehane's Shutter Island is absolutely brilliant. Seriously. It's certainly a book tailor-made for a talented filmmaker to transform into a live-action creation, but by-God Scorcese better stick to his source material as closely as possible here. This book is the tits, man! I only put it down maybe four times, and those were either due to need-for-sleep or my PATH train stop had arrived, unfortunately. I'd MUCH rather have stayed within Shutter Island's vice-grip than be at work, but that's not neither here nor there.

I'm not going to get into any real specifics about the story itself here, because truthfully, I really want those around me go pick it up, like right now, and immerse themselves in it, so I have somebody to talk about it with. I'm sitting here pissed off as I type that I can't engage in a thoughtful chit-chat about the insanity and density that I just read. I honestly may not even get a good night's sleep tonight; the story is still unraveling and festering within my thoughts. I can't stop mulling over it.

I will, though, give a very-brief synopsis, just to entice those reading this....the calendar reads 1954, and U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels is sent on assignment to Ashecliffe Hospital, a home for the criminally-insanse-and-dangerous located on the remote Shutter Island, which is near Boston. He's assigned to go there with a partner he's never met before, Chuck Aule, and together they're supposed to locate a missing patient, a woman named Rachel Solando, who killed her three children and is batshit crazy. But as the two Marshals begin noticing how no person in Ashecliffe--including the wardens and the medical staff, led by Dr. John Cawley---seems to give a shit about the Solando disappearance, a freak hurricane hits, making any hopeful departure off the isle impossible, and strongly fatal. And this is where shit really gets heavy, with patients riots, mysterious surgeries, and tons more. TONS. MORE.

Suffice it to say, the story goes in places that I never imagined it would, directions I couldn't believe were being taken. Lehane's command of dialogue and character development, and just his handling of prose in general, is so superior, its a bit scary. I'm most certainly going back to read his entire book-ography now, surely on my to-do list. He's a writer that inspires aspiring scribes such as myself.

Reading Shutter Island could very well be a serious life-defining moment for me, just like seeing the film Grindhouse on opening day was for me last year. Both experiences are similar in that---and not to trivialize what I used to be so focused on or what any of my associates still do in any way; this is just my personal stance on the matter---they've each woken me up, to just how lame hip-hop writing really can be. For a lad like me, at least. I'll save my deep thoughts on this stance for a future posting, but I really challenge anybody to read a book like Shutter Island and try to make a case for ANY MODERN-DAY RAP ALBUM in terms of being more substantial or worth my time in a greater sense. And yes, this means Lupe Fiasco albums, or Nas albums. And don't get it twisted--I love both dudes' music. But there's no contest here, man.

Writing about lames like Flo Rida and Lil Boosie is a joke, really. What value will they have ten years from now? Fuck it---three years from now? I'm just saying, from here on out I'm focusing on covering things that really register with my heart and my brain, things that I can look back upon years from now and be proud that I shared a piece of it at one point in time. Things like a cinema-going experience such as the one I had while seeing Grindhouse. Speaking to those involved with it, picking their brains and delving into a genuine piece of singular, untainted, blood-and-sweat-soaked vision. Things like the novel Shutter Island, a stunning piece of art that can be digested numerous times, and most likely won't ever lose its impact.

Shutter Island makes me want to become a better writer. Makes me want to command my prose even half as well as Dennis Lehane. Makes me want to joggle my brain for narrative ideas and concepts, because I know I have a plethora of them buried in my head, I just need to shake them out a bit.

Makes me want to nurture and capitalize upon the talent I know I possess, a talent that I truly feel hasn't even scratched the surface. Not even one fingernail-ful of dirt.

Shutter Island is the exact kind of story I hope to one day tell and write: a superior work of fiction that consistently entertains, takes it time with exposition and character nurturing, grips the reader in a vice of tension and suspense, and then totally pulls the rug from under their reading-feet and sends their minds to a place where confusion and spine-tingles co-exist.

The Scorcese adaptation has just catapulted to the Number One Spot on my "2009 Most Anticipated Films" list, leap-frogging over The Wolfman and Watchmen.

Here is the writer who could have very well (only time will tell, for sure) changed my life (may sound a bit dramatic, but I'm so-sinsur), Dennis Lehane:

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**And here's a couple of on-set images from the Scorcese flick....DiCaprio plays "Teddy Daniels," while Michelle Williams (yes, Heath Ledger's late baby mama, who just happens to be a pretty damn fine actress in her own right) plays Daniels' late wife, "Dolores"

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Foxy!! <----Laziest Headline Ever

From her new cover story/shoot with the always-splendid GQ Magazine.....admittedly, I've surely thought that Megan Fox is "hot and sexy" since seeing her in TRANSFORMERS, but unlike nearly every other straight dude on Earth, I've yet to go 100% ga-ga over her.

Well, until now that is.....this shots have converted me. Sleeper, no more. Holy macerole! (as my grandfather would say).....

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....posted here for no other reason than to have a quick stop for yours truly to salivate over them whenever yours truly deems necessary. Nothing more, nothing less....and that whole "now I'm sweating Megan Fox" intro above, while true, was just to make this seem less gratuitous.

Mission failed, miserably.

A Musical Massacre

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I hate musicals. Never have seen, and probably never will see, ever, MOULIN ROUGE, nor CHICAGO. Call it close-minded or whatever, but there's plenty other things I'd rather do than listen to people sing and dance and shit.

But a couple weeks ago, I did, out of unstoppable intrigue, see a new horror-music-rock-opera called REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA. And I expected to hate it, but to my surprise, I really dug it. Sure, some of the acting is terrible and/or over-done, but overall its a pretty unique, fun little ride. Sort of like a new-age ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, if you will. Nowhere near as dope as SWEENEY TODD was, but still a good time.

Oh, and it has Paris Hilton in it, and she's shockingly tolerable. Even kinda sexy in a Goth chick way throughout.

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Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, a dude who needs to intake some Ritalin while directing typically (those flash cuts and quick edits in his SAW movies are annoying and I hate them, with a passion), but he's a tad more subdued here with REPO!, and it works wonders. I no longer consider him a full-blown hack. Rejoice.

Comes out in early November. Worth a look if you're the type who digs for one-of-a-kind art.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Netflix Fix -- Cannibal Holocaust

[DISCLAIMER: A couple of the pics I'm posting here may be a bit groos, a bit now-I-wanna-vomit, and even a bit jesus-Matt-really-is-a-weird-fuck....but whatever, the pics help illustrate some of the points I'm trying to make here...and besides, if you wanna read about sappy, romantic, political, and/or social issue stuff, go to those other blogs. M.B.'s World is a bit stranger....]

Being a lover and appreciator (is "appreciator" even a word? if not, it should be....it rolls off the tongue quite nicely) of horror and darkly-tinged film, it's only natural that, from time to time, I finish a movie feeling a bit dirty. In need of a shower. In need of a Disney experience, even. Because, you see, certain movies drip of depravity, of foulness, and while watching them, you can't help but ask yourself, "Why in the hell am I watching this, voluntarily? Is this giving me EZ-Pass to Hell by doing so? Does this make me a sick fuck for doing so?"

This doesn't happen very often with me, truthfully, perhaps because I've seen so much crazy shit on film that it takes tons to make me cringe and feel filthy as a spectator. But holy shit, I've never, never, ever felt as wrong as I just did while watching Cannibal Holocaust. Just the title alone should suggest just how wrong this movie is. But the title alone is miniscule indication of just how wrong it is.

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It's a film that's been in banned in countless countries, and as far as I know, is even restricted from Blockbuster and other video chains. The only places to acquire it on DVD are like Netflix and Ebay-like websites. It's one I've read about and heard about for many years now, whether through the various horror sites I visit daily or whatever other horror fanboy shit I've been involved in. And I knew that I'd never be considered a true horror hound if I've never seen Cannibal Holocaust, raw and uncut.

And my god, all of the hype and controversy is deserved, tenfold. Twentyfold. Four-thousand-and-fiftyfold. It's one of those movies where you can't fully tell whether what you're watching is staged or just some snuff film footage wrongly released commercially (its fake, for the record, but damn if its not convincingly executed). Made back in 1979 9but released in 1980) by Italian filmmaker Ruggero Deodato, Cannibal Holocaust is about a professor from NYU who is hired to find four 30-something documentarians who went to the Amazon Jungle's "Green Inferno" (an area where no White man has ever been able to survive and is inhabited by two savage cannibal tribes) and never were heard from again. So he goes there, links up with a grizzly tour guide and his equally-grizzly associate, and bravely enters the Green Inferno zone, where he makes good with the tribal folk and uncovers the crew's film cans next to their skeletal remains. Fun for the whole family, clearly.

The first half follows the professor and his journey, and then once he returns to the states with the film cans, the rest of Cannibal Holocaust is a mixture of his meetings with investors looking to release his findings as a documentary and the actual raw footage of the departed.

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There are films that go off the deep end, and then there's Cannibal Holocaust, which is shot out of a Godzilla-sized slingshot and is hurled mailes over the deep end's line. Jesus, man. Nothing is left unseen. Everything from human sacrifice rituals to animal slayings are shown in all their wrong glory. The human murders aren't real, of course, but all of the animal slayings are, in fact, real. Yes, many an animal was hurt during the making of this film. A baby pig is shot in the had at point blank range. An overgrown turtle is dragged out of the water, laid out on its backshell, and decapitated, and then its limbs are all severed, and then its shell is smashed with a machete. A cute-little chimp's top-half-of-head is sliced off. And again, this is all shown, front and center.

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And then there's what happens to some of the humans here. Honestly, a lot of this stuff, I couldn't even fully watch without looking away, cringing in disbelief and disgust. But like any good trainwreck, I couldn't totally step away. I had to make it to the finish line, here. For my own piece of mind. But man....one tribeswoman, assumed to have been sexually promiscous, is dragged through mud, then has an egg-shaped rock repeatedly, and violently, jammed through her you-know-what, and a clump of mud stuffed in her you-know-what, and then, just for good measure, she's bludgeoned to death by that egg-shaped rock. A guy is held against a tree by the tribesmen as his you-know-what is sliced off with a sharp rock, and then his limp body is eaten up.

Hmmm, what else....Oh yeah, how could I forget: a poor virginal tribesgirl is gang-raped by the three male documentarians, and then, since she's no longer pure, has a 10-or-so-foot spear jammed through her body, and this spear is then stood upright out in the open. Oh, and there's also the most vile abortion scene you could ever imagine, one I honestly don't even want to type out in written form. I'd rather just forget about it.

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Although forgetting about anything I've just seen is pretty much impossible.

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Do I feel proud for having watched this film? Call me sick or crazy, but hell yeah I do. Cannibal Holocaust isn't a film that should ever be critiqued, or reviewed in a traditional sense. I can't imagine anybody ever calling it a "great" or "superb" film; an important and groundbreaking one, sure. Both are valid. It's a film that can only be measured on how much the viewer(s) can endure; how much they can sit through. I made it through, from start to finish, so I shall pat myself on my back, no question.

But as I ponder it a bit more, I'm starting to grasp what Deodato may have intended here, the statements he aimed to get across, in brutal unflinching fashion. I eat chicken and steak and things that were once living, so why would I cringe as the tribespeople here do so, only while raw and five-seconds-after-breathing? It's all the same sense of savagery, in ways. Will I become a vegetarian now, though? Fuck no. I'm just saying....And then I can now comprehend the point Deodato seems to be making about the love of sensationalism out culture has. Sort of speaks volumes about our current Youtube fix, where we'd jump at the chance to watch something like a teenage girl getting her ass kicked by a group of other teen girls. What's the big difference between that and watching the savagery at play in Cannibal Holocaust?

This could just very well be a despicable piece of cinema. One that crosses the line of "freely-expressed yet punishing art with a statement to make" into the territory of "mean-spirited, heartless, cold, and just plain wrong imagery that only taints the viewer's soul." My stance is found somewhere in the middle of these two lines.

And the documentarians, fortunately, are four of the biggest scumbags ever, truly obnoxious and cruel in how they treat the primitive tribesfolk they intrude upon. So when they're all sickly murdered and fed upon, you sort of find yourself rooting for the cannibal tribespeeps. Because you realize that us "civilized" folk can actually be much more savage and cruel than any primitive person. Such acting is in a primitive person's DNA, but we civilized folk should know better. But some of us--such as the characters here--don't, so they deserve to decapitated and raped and eaten. Truth hurts.

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This is just something I personally took away from Cannibal Holocaust. I could be wya off, or even a bit wrong for trying to justify the intense shit I just watched. Shit that would probably scare off any girl/date who stepped foot in my bedroom and saw the DVD cover in my collection, if I were to ever own it. And honestly, I kinda do wanna own it, just to have such a unique and nasty bit of cinema under my belt. Yes, I'm fucking weird like that.

I don't even know if I'll ever want to watch this flick again. But I'm sure glad I did, at least this once. Now I totally understand why it's looked at by horror lovers and experts as a true classic, an untouchable viewing experience, one of the most important films to ever hit the genre.

And now I dare anybody who reads this to watch it....but if you vomit or become furiously angry, don't blame me, the messenger.

Yes, this is what I tend to do on my spare time. Watch shit like Cannibal Holocaust, voluntarily. Deal with it.

**Interesting extra bit of trivia: the director, Ruggero Deodato, was actually brought on trial in his native Italy when this film was released. The government, from what I've read and heard, thought the images seen in Cannibal Holocaust were real, not staged. The animal slayings are real again, but the powers that be thought the stuff done to humans was all authentic. And who can blame them? I'd swear it was all real now, too.....and that being said, kudos to the special effects crew responsible for this, using resources available way back in the late '70s. Pretty fucking astonishing work. I'm surprised they're not hailed as some sort of genius pioneers.

**The music, as heard in this trailer-of-sorts, is also worth noting....its this really serene, soggy-keyboard effect that really complements the brutality in a strikign way....and you'll also notice how bad the acting is, when its just scenes of dialogue. Well, its an old exploitation flick--acting is secondary, sometimes even third or fourth in importance. Simply par for the course:

Word to Zoey....and other news

Just to prove that German Shepherds are unfuckwitable in the canine kingdom.....as Zoey (my family's dog of 12 years, for those unfortunately not in the know) proves on a daily basis:





...And here's a wild news story that caught my attention, and now I'll be investigating it further out of pure intrigue:

"WITCHCRAFT RUMOR SPARKS RIOT AT CONGO SOCCER GAME

KINSHASA, Congo - Accusations that a soccer player was using witchcraft during a match in eastern Congo sparked a riot that killed 13 people, a U.N.-funded radio station reported Monday.

Most of the victims were between the ages of 11 and 16, Radio Okapi said. They were suffocated as panicked crowds ran for the exits during the mayhem Sunday in Butembo in eastern Congo's North Kivu province.

Radio Okapi said police tried to control the violence at Matokeo stadium by firing into the air to protect their commander, who was hit in the head and wounded by fans.

The two local clubs involved were Socozaki and Nyuki System, the radio said.

Dozens of teenagers marched through Butembo's dirt streets Monday in protest, and the regional governor, Julien Mpaluku, paid a visit to the hospital.

Mpaluku said the government was investigating.

He made no mention of witchcraft, but confirmed that soldiers had fired into the air to calm angry crowds. The shooting prompted panic instead, which became fatal "when the crowds all tried to leave at the same time."

"Most of the dead were children, only two or three were adults," Mpaluku said.

North Kivu has been the epicenter of violence between Congo's army and rebels over the last year which has displaced hundreds of thousands of people."

--some crazy shit right there, huh? I wonder how exactly "witchcraft" came into play, if really at all. Hopefully I can learn more soon enough

The Soup = Still.The. Best. Show. Ever

Now, THIS is what Righteous Kill should've been.....this trailer alone shits on the actual movie.

Lou and Spaghetti Cat > RIGHTEOUS KILL-era DeNiro and Pacino

Enjoy:


Sunday, September 14, 2008

My Weekend Movie Recap - September 12-14, 2008

Not in a particularly wordy-writing-mood at the moment, so this'll be quite brief. My intention is to report back on new movies opening every weekend, assuming I'm able to see the major ones every wknd.

Here goes:

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Righteous Kill

Sucked. Waste of time. A lame, run-of-the-mill script only put to celluloid because two of the medium's greatest actors ever, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino, share a large amount of scenes together, basically playing geriatric parodies of their own screen persona's. Both guys seem very past their prime, as evident in Righteous Kill. Their respective performances aren't necessarily awful, just extremely phoned-in and lacking any sense of verve. And the script is just so lame and undercooked that no matter what DeNiro and Pacino do here, it'll fail.

For instance, there's this plot "twist" that's so obvious and telegraphed that it feels a bit insulting, at least it did to me. It plays as if the filmmakers are saying, "Whammy! Didn't see that one coming, did ya?!" Too bad I figured it out about 20 minutes into the film, and that's never good. And then once this twist rushes itself in exposition during the movie's final setpiece, you're supposed to feel a bit of compassion for the unfortunate person, yet the scene is so terribly written and acted with such a scarcity of emotion, its like watching robots programmed to imitate DeNiro and Pacino.

But really, neither actor really seems to give a shit at any point. Totally going through the motions of a moronic story, full of anticlimactic scenes, wannabe-tense moments that inspire yawns. Pacino does, thankfully, have a few funny lines and choice moments, but not nearly enough. I never thought I'd ever think to myself while watching one of his movies that "Wow, Robert DeNiro kinda sucks as an actor," but I did a few times during Righteous Kill, and that's just blasphemic. I think I'll actually watch Taxi Driver one night this week just to rekindle the love again.

If not for sexy-ass Carla Gugino, I may have honestly walked out of the movie at around the 30-minute mark.

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Yeah, she's hot.

Oh, and 50 Cent is a truly atrocious actor. He's always sucked in movies, but his performance here is painfully robotic, lifeless, vapid, etc.....stop acting, Curtis, for the love of God. The fact that you were able to share the same screen as DeNiro and Pacino is just plain sad. And speaks volumes of both iconic actors' current careers.

Up next.....

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Burn After Reading

This one, thankfully, I really dug. A bit slow at points, and nothing much really happens overall, but then that's sort of the point here. The Coen Brothers' films are largely centered on the theme that despicable, asshole people bring upon themselves further torment by totally fucking things up. And Burn After Reading is chockful of low-lives and indesirables. But the performances are all great, particuarly John Malkovich as a fired, disgruntled former CIA analyst, and Brad Pitt as an airhead, goofy, in-over-his-empty-head trainer at Hardbodies gym.

George Clooney is also pretty top-shelf here, playing a womanizing married man who meets middle-aged dames online, has sex as soon as possible, and then runs his routine 5-mile jog immediately after sexy times conclude. And wait 'til you see the sexual contraption he makes in his basement---it's the funniest use of a dildo I've seen in a long time. Perhaps ever. Shit, I can't recall too many other funny dildo moments on film, outside of porn, and I don't watch porn really anyway so I'm not one to comment really.....oh, and I don't want to shortchange the Coens' go-to-actress, the quirky and invaluable Frances McDormand, who plays a fellow Hardbodies employee who also meets other through cyber dating, and is obsessed with extensive plastic surgery that she can't pay for.

Burn After Reading
is all about how the worlds of these wild characters all come crashing tragically together, thanks to Malkovich's character's CIA memoirs falling into the hands of the Hardbodies employees, who try to blackmail him with disastrous, and pretty comical, consequences. It's also pretty cool to see Clooney and Pitt immersing themselves into roles of the moronically colorful kind. Shows that they can care less about their "suave, sex symbol" status(es) in real life. Well played, sirs.

Everybody involved just seems like they're having a ball making the movie, playing the hell out of their characters and just basking in the foul, dirty, dumbass-laden world of the Coen Brothers the entire time. And it's magnetic to watch. It's not a perfect movie, and the script could've used a little more fine-tuning. Especially with Tilda Swinton's character, who isn't given much to do and never is fully developed enough to really register.

But in the end, though, it's just an irreverent comedy that's hard not to like, that's pretty dark and violent in spots, but never less than entertaining. Especially the way the Coens use a couple of conversations between two CIA heads as they basically try to make sense of all that's going on, plot-wise, and continuously fail to do so, mirroring the bewildered feelings of the audience. Only here, that sense of confusion and intrigue makes for a fun little flick. I definitely recommend this one.

Oh, and once this hits DVD, I'm buying a copy and introducing a new kick-ass drinking game into my friends' lexicon: every time Malkovich's character says the word "fuck," or "fucking," we have to do a shot. Dude says the always-effective word like 300 times here. So yes, this game will wreck us into submission. Good times, it shall be.

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And yeah, it's official: Brad Pitt is one of my fave actors. He's pretty much brilliant in everything he does, and unafraid to take chances. He doesn't get the talent-fueled priase that he deserves, mainly because of his larger-than-life persona, but man is he great on screen, and that fact is proven further in Burn After Reading. I fucking can't wait to see him in Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards next year. Gonna be awesome.

.....okay, once again I was wordy, despite saying I wouldn't be. Sue me.

Shots Fired

I'm a bit torn about something, concerning myself, brought into my thought process after another one of those "drinks, shots, more shots, another drink" nights last evening.

Should I be flattered or concerned about this: any time my friends and I go out to a bar/lounge/club/etc, I'm always the one to whom everybody says, "Do a shot!" Or, "Here I got you a shot." Or, "Let's buy Matt this crazy shot that none of us would ever do, but since he won't know what it is and he already has a buzz going, he'll do it anyway! It'll be fun!"

Now, I'm all for having a good time while I'm out, but I mean, why me? Every time?

My flattered side reasons like this: when I'm a bit tips, I'm a barrel of laughs. A wrecking ball of fun. I make everybody else's night a bit more enjoyable with my intoxicated antics, such as dancing ever-so-closely with some girl I just met, or unleashing my usual jokes but only more viciously now that I'm drunk. At least this is what I'd hope is the reason for everybody tossing mini-drinks my way at a furious pace.

But then my concerned side chimes in: am I really a wrecking ball of fun? Is it because I tend to do dumb shit that makes me look like a fool publicly, but gives those around me some secondhand giggles at my expense? I know for a fact this is the case often times, but is it that my friends are deliberately getting me to a drunken-enough zone where I'll act like a moron? If so, isn't that kind of fucked up?

And while I'm on the subject of going out drinking with friends....explain to me why some people never bring cash with them to bars/lounges/clubs/etcs? Like I'm not intelligent and aware enough to realize that this is a ploy to sucker people around you into buying you drinks, since "Oh shit man, I don't have any cash on me....can you get this round?" Knowing damn well you make way more money than I do. Grinds my gears.

In all, I think the solution to all this pondering is simple: stop going out to drink at bars/lounges/clubs/etc. Though, really none of my friends (or at least my single friends who aren't tied down with signif others all the time, to which I'm not angry but just stating a truth) enjoy the simple things that I do....watching DVDs, engaging in convo, going to the cinema, going out to eat and talking for long periods of time at the table after the meal is digested.

For the majority of my friends, fun only equals drinks and women in the vicinity. And I'm all for women in the vicinity, but when being in such a vicinity always and pretty-much-only leads to empty wallets and next-morning-hangovers, then what's the point?

I'm just saying....I wish I could just bypass the places of alcoholic and sexually-intended consumption and stick to simplicity on weekend nights.....that's the world I want to live in.