The Official "Let's Boycott Saw V" Post

[Excuse any typos that may appear.....I typed this in rant-form, violently and stream-of-conscience, and I'm in no mood to read it back at this present moment. I will later, though.]

I never thought I'd say/type what I'm about to say/type, but here goes: "Thank the heavens for High School Musical 3."

There, said/typed. Done. Why would I say/type this? Simple, really. I'm so fucking over this whole Saw film franchise, that the notion of HSM3 (yes, I too abbreviate it that way, because I'm as hip as your 12-year-old female cousin) emerging as this weekend's box office champ means that Saw V will not be the champ. It'll make some money either way, I'd imagine, enough to be deemed successful. But I'd rather that that another Saw film be number one. Enough already.

And thank the higher powers for that. I'm not going to rant to over-done degrees here (Okay, I'm lying, you know I'm about to), but I can't let Saw Whatever Fucking Number It Is, Because Really, The Numerical Distinction Is Pointless hit screens and not state my peace. Not only because I'm a horror lover, but because I'm a cinema lover. Basically.

First off, before I even get into Saw V....the Saw films, as a whole, are nothing more than a gateway drug. A crash-course into horror films for the uninitiated. Or for those who are too apathetic or close-minded to give films like Suspiria or The Shining a fair shot. They see these Saw films, and think, "Cool, I can call myself a horror fan now because I love these Saw movies!" Which is okay to a point, because it's great to see horror films making money and reaching new people. But the dilemma comes when these newfound fans then go and watch films like the aforementioned Suspiria and The Shining. Those older types of movies take their time, and tell real stories, and attempt to build suspense through developed characters and other narrative devices. These Saw films, on the other hand, are all shock-and-awe. The Saw lover turns on a horror classic and thinks, "This shit is so boring. So slow. Where's the blood, the gore for gore's sake, the seizure-like quick edits and scene cuts, that are too chickenshit to actually watch the horror from a still, unflinching measure?" Okay, the latter section of that thought bubble was more me than the fan, but you should get the point.

What's the point of even making a fifth Saw installment, first of all? Other than for Lionsgate to turn around some more profit, which I understand. That being said, I guess the bigger, more pertinent question should be---why in the fuck would anybody pay to see a fifth Saw? This once-intriguing series reached its apex at the end of Saw II, a flawed-but-surprisingly-effective sequel that I had no hopes for, but left pleasantly entertained and slightly impressed, by the clever twists and the way it flipped the concept of time. And admittedly, Saw III wasn't a complete shit-show, but it was really unnecessary.

The reason: once Saw II generated heavy-funds at the box office, Lionsgate decided to commit to a yearly strategy of marketing the next inevitable Saw flick as the horror experience to watch that respective Halloween. And in order to stick to this business plan, the ideas of "genuine necessity," "intelligent screenwriting," "legit characters," and "all plausability" were put into a pit-of-nails and forced to find their way out. Presumably, these concepts did escape, though they dug a hole and crawled all the way to France, where quality horror currently lives. But I digress.

All these films are now are excuses for bored teens-and-twentysomethings to kill a Friday night by watching elaborate death scenes. Like, I wonder what crazy shit they can think of this time?! But there's zero suspense in these latest sequels, and--as seen to extreme measure during Saw IV's final confusing, multiple-flashback-upon-flashback, what-the-fuck-is-going-on final act, the hired-for-this-film screenwriters are only brought on to find ways of connecting the four thousand Saw characters together. "Hey, let's have this new cop show up in a flashback with Jigsaw from the second film, to show that he really does serve a purpose now." Or, "Remember that dude who walked by in the background of that hospital scene from the first Saw? Wasn't he just one of the Production Assistant's hired by Lionsgate? Fuck it, give him a call and let's have him play the unloved bastard child of Jigsaw, because he was a dreamboat and maybe we can lure a couple of those High School Musical fans away from that shit!"

Give me a fucking break. I won't even go into how terrible the actors in this franchise have become. Well, actually, the acting in the first Saw was pretty atrocious, and nearly made me hate the film. But now, they're seriously scraping the barrel.....Costas Mandylor as the star??? What? Does anybody else even remember that he was one of the Young Guns? Wait, was he one of the Young Guns? Does it even matter? He's putrid, acting-wise.....and, to Meagan Good---you're insanely gorgeous, like flawlessly beautiful, but you're not the greatest actress in the world. Sorry to be frank. But I know you're trying to redirect your career, in order to be taken seriously for a change. Well, playing Saw Victim Number 3 in this new one is the exact opposite of a smart choice. I've read some of the reviews for Saw V (all are expectedly bashing and damning) and not one mentions your name, meaning your work and character serve no purpose. You're just an impending-corpse, a pretty pawn awaiting some cock-a-mamee torture device. Get a new agent, sweetheart.

Think about it. $11 can go a long way. That's a Chinese food takeout dinner. A music CD, for those who still actually buy CDs. But, a total waste if spent on a Saw V ticket this weekend. If you're really clamoring for a new horror film to see this Halloween, here are some suggestions:

1) Quarantine is still in theaters, and though it's not perfect in any way, it's a great ride, and has some genuinely thrilling and relentless moments. Plus, it's not a Saw sequel.
2) Hop on a train, or a bus, or into your car, and drive your ass into Manhattan to catch Let The Right One In, the so-great-its-bound-to-be-slept-on Swedish vampire love story/Gothic horror/intense character piece/childhood alienation allegory that I've been raving about for some weeks now. Not only is it the best horror movie of the year so far, it's likely to top overall Best of 2008 film lists come January 1, 2009. Oh yeah, and it's not a Saw sequel.
3) Same commands as #2, only directed toward the IFC Theater on West 4th Street, where the five-animated-tales-in-one French creepfest Fear(s) Of The Dark is exclusively playing. I've yet to see it, though I plan on doing so either tonight or next week, but I'm willing to put my entire bank account down on the fact that it's vastly superior to Saw V. Meaning, obviously, that's not another Saw sequel.
4) And finally, if you'd rather just stay home, rent any one of these DVDs---Inside, Frontiere(s), The Strangers. Or hell, rent Saw or Saw II, for that matter. Those weren't bad at all.

In closing, I'm clearly not seeing Saw V this weekend. Or next week. Or ever, if I have any say in the matter. Is it a bit pretentious and asshole-y to slam a flick I've never even seen? Of course, but that logic doesn't apply for a 2007-and-beyond Saw sequel. Wanna know why? Because they're all the exact same movie, redone and remixed to illogical lengths. Tell me I'm wrong. They're wastes of money that belittle their audience with asinine things and ludicrous thangs. They thrive on the presumption that people who buy Saw V tickets have no intelligence, and are willing to toss all common sense and logic out the window, rather than question every second of contrived seen-this-before.

Besides, what's the point of seeing a movie when you know Saw VI is already in production? Why not just wait 'til Saw VI comes out next year and rent Saw V prior? Why even waste your time now?

And here's one to ponder---you know that new VH1 reality show Scream Queens? You know what the prize for winning that piece-of-lameness is, right? A role in Saw VI. Yes, the series has devolved into a marketing ploy, a gimmick that'll be mentioned in the same breath as A Real Chance of Love, and Rock of Love: Charm School, and Brooke Knows Best, and whatever other quasi-reality shitshow VH1 throws at Cablevision.

Case, at rest.