Netfllix Fix #1 -- Calvaire

Talk about being late to the party....I finally joined Netflix a few days ago. Yes, me, the dude for whom Netflix was designed to please in the first place. The reasons for my tardiness: laziness, uncertainty, foolish impulse to buy DVDs rather than rent them. But I've arrived, bitches, so let the games begin. It's only been like two days, but my queue has like 50 flicks on hold already. I don't fuck around.

The first flick I've seen courtesy of the 'Flix is a Belgian chill-show from 2006 called Calvaire, which translates to "The Ordeal." I'd read about this flick a bunch o' times on various horror sites, and its filmmaker, Fabrice Du Welz, is the man behind a new jawn I'm dying to see, which I wrote about a couple days ago, called Vinyan. But I could never find Calvaire in Blockbuster, and I only happened across it once in a store, Virgin Mega I believe, but shit was like 28 beans and I couldn't justify such an unsure purchase. But thankfully, Netflix has every damn film ever made, so naturally I made Calvaire my first choice.



Just finished watching it....what the fuck was that? Like, seriously. I'm equal parts mesmerized, angered, confused, intrigued. Compelled to re-watch it right away. I'm no slouch in terms of loving darkly esoteric cinema, but this ish was off the charts bizarre. In good way, though, I'm pretty sure I feel.

Plot wise: a struggling, sort-of-shitty traveling performer/singer is en route to a gig deep in Belgium, when his piece-o-shee van breaks down in the boonies. First, some crazy fella scares the shit out of our main guy, Marc Stevens (I read somewhere that this name is a homage to some old school porn star. Weird), while looking for "Bella," his lost dog. Crazy Guy leads him to a rundown inn, where Marc sleeps the night off in hopes of getting his van fixed in the AM. He wakes up to the inn owner, Bartel (another name reference, this time to some cult filmmaker I need to research a bit), towing his van to the inn. As things progress, Bartel reveals how his one true love, Gloria, left him years ago, and he starts to show signs of lunacy. After Marc sings to Bartel at the old man's request, the shit basically hits the fan. Bartel believes that Marc is really Gloria, beats him down, tortures him, dresses him in Gloria's clothes, shaves his head half-assed-like. Marc sees some dirty villagers fucking a pig. The dirty villagers crash Bartel and Crazy Guy's party and rape Marc. Marc escapes. Villagers chase after him.

WTF!



Tons of other "huh?" moments ensue, such as Bella being revealed as a baby cow. Marc is partly crucifed in a barn. Some old chick makes a gross pass at Marc. Calvaire is strangely perverse, totally demented, and somehow beautiful to watch. The way Du Welz shoots the thing is something to really see. Tons of repeated imagery throughout and interesting camera movements and angles. Especially this one wild scene that mirrors the 'dinner scene' in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with Du Welz spinning the camera around the table as it gradually zooms in on the eyeballs of the deliriously-laughing guys-in-seats.

Also worth noting is the sparse use of music. There may be no music at all, actually, until the montage closing sequence, and even then it's just faintly-heard strings. The soundtrack here is provided by natural sounds: the crackling of a fireplace, the rustling of wind. Really adds to the uneasy tension that is felt even when nothing is happening.



Would I recommend Calvaire? I'm not entirely sure just yet. I'm really glad I watched it; it's been a long ass time since I've seen a movie that truly bewildered me in a way where I couldn't take my eyes off the screen even though internally I knew nothing was making any sense.

It's not a good movie, necessarily. Just one that's so unique and inventive in its borrowing of older genre offerings that it feels like a breath of fresh air, even though it's really a startling cough of hit-or-miss tribute. Think the aforementioned Chainsaw Massacre getting it on in a three-way with Deliverance and Dustin Hoffman's great villagers-gone-wild gem Straw Dogs, as overseen by David Lynch while staring at a Salvador Dali painting. It doesn't work fully, but it's a missed opportunity that you're oddly glad didn't connect on all cylinders. Its strangeness is its biggest charm. Sometimes, broken objects are better than operational ones.

The arthouse feel throughout Calvaire is striking, but you soon realize you're within an arthouse located firmly on the campus of a sexually-fueled insane asylum. And it's not necessarily a hetero asylum.

Netflix, you don't even know the monster you've created here.....up next, Neil Marshall's debut, the werewolf actioner Dog Soldiers. Should be a hoot.