The Battle of the Bootleg E.T.s

Last weekend, by chance, or divine intervention if you're like me and view such things as positive, I basked in the sheer awfulness of a forgotten '80s piece-of-shit film, Ghoulies 2 (1987). Yes, that much-needed, plothole-filling sequel to 1985's Ghoulies, that for some odd reason took place at some cheap-ass local carnival and neglected the cardinal rule of a horror film: at least attempt to create some tension.


Never before, or after, has a movie's poster image been so metaphorical.

My friends who were also watching knew all about the film, yet ironically enough I, Mr. Movie Junkie, knew nothing other than a basic knowledge gained by having seen its predecessor. As Ghoulies 2 plodded forward, though, I realized just how fortunate I'd been. Truly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. One of those flicks that has me wondering throughout, "How in all that's mighty did this even get made?" Of course, the bar was set much lower for genre cinema back in the glorious 1980s, but still. I wish Youtube had the entire carnival-set climax, one of the most overlong, tension-free, all-around-botches setpieces imaginable, 15 minutes of the ghoulies (who are more cuddly than creepy) causing little more than slapsticky mischief throughout the premises. Making people fall off of rides, have refreshments splatter all over their clothes. Stuff that'd make you laugh, not shriek. It turns into a Farrelly Brothers horror film, and, yes, that's as horrible as it sounds written out.

That hungover afternoon, Ghoulies 2 was a total fuck-off of time. An hour and a half I shouldve dedicated to reading, or eating, or bashing my head into a wall. Now, though, a full two weeks removed from that debacle, I see the fateful purpose of that viewing nightmare. Earlier today at work, I brought Ghoulies 2 up to a co-worker who also appreciates a good piece of schlock moviemaking, in hopes that he'd share my angry sentiment. Much to my shock, he actually sang the film's praises; apparently, he has a higher tolerance for feces than I. But right as I was about to toss insults and bile his way for such an unjustifiable opinion, he hit me with the nostalgic A-bomb: "That reminds me, have you ever seen Muchies, or Munchie Strikes Back?"



My mind was blown. No, I thought, I've never even heard of those. Do tell. Rather than depending on his gift of gab to do his dude Munchie justice, he kept it at, "The first one was a Gremlins ripoff, but then the sequel brought it into some shitty E.T. ripoff territory for no apparent rhyme or reason. But the sequel is awesome." He then expressed his love of all things Gremlins-esque, meaning those Ghoulies flicks, the Critters series, and the Munch. "Those movies are all great, but Munchie is still the ultimate badass."



And then he advised that I consult Youtube for some clips of Munchie in action. After watching these following two clips, I realized the divine reason behind that Ghoulies 2 experience:




Leather jacket and a varsity sweater? Munchie had style, son. How was he not a bigger genre icon back in the '90s? Oh, right, because his movies were atrocious abortions. Yet, I can't deny the power of Munchie, and how badly I need to see Munchie Strikes Back (1994) while drunk and/or stoned. Do they even sell it on DVD? If so, should I buy it right now, or wait 'til tomorrow?

After meeting Munchie, I figured I'd try putting my co-working friend on to another E.T. jackoff that I watched whenever on cable back in the day: Meathead, that Big Mac-loving alien who charmed his way through Meatballs 2 (1984), another sequel that, like Munchie Strikes Back, totally diregarded anything and everything about its namesake original.



Check Meathead out in live action, and decide which extraterrestrial/creature BFF you'd rather chase some tail with....Munchie, or this guy---Meathead:

The Arrival and Discovery of Meathead


I'm going with Munchie, only because he'd be much better for my rap. Meathead is more the dude you confide in after Munchie's arrogant, smooth-talking ways grind your gears thin.

In conclusion ..... Munchie > Meathead (but only by a slim margin)



Congrats, Munch.

The VHS Days -- Hysterical (1983)

Rather than flub this post and act like I'm some kind of expert on these guys, I'll just be Frank (like my dad's first name): I know nothing about the Hudson Brothers other than their work in this film. My parents have said that they were a reasonably funny trio of comedic siblings, also reasonable in their level of fame at that time. I guess, think the Caucasian, lesser-numbered '80s equivalent to the Wayans Brothers, this being their Scary Movie. (Imagine if they'd made an '80s equivalent to White Chicks? It would've been called Black Girls, I'd fear to assume, and would've made C. Thomas Howell's racially-sketchy Soul Man seem like a NAACP-film-production.)

As far as I know, and/or really care, however, they're the shameless dudes behind 1983's pretty-much-forgotten Hysterical, an uneven-at-best horror spoof that'll forever hold a warm place in my heart, even if its universally deemed a $5-footlong shit sandwich.



Oddly enough, I can't even recall how or why I initially watched Hysterical. If I had to guess, my dad must've put me on to it back in my grammar school days, knowing my fanatical love for the rated-R Night of the Living Dead and thinking that the PG (I believe) Hysterical featured a final setpiece full of zombies, yet it had the right hint of comedy so that he could watch it with me. Whether that was the case or not is meaningless here, anyway, because I fell in love with the grated-cheese that is Hysterical and frequently watched the final 20 minutes like an addict getting his zombie horror fix. No wonder I adored Shaun of the Dead from the moment I first set eyes on it alone in a theater on opening night, when none of my friends would expand their minds enough to tag long. Lames.



The story concerns a writer who moves into a spooky lighthouse, hoping the peace and scenic quiet will spark his next great novel. Of course, it doesn't, and instead the spirit of a ghost-lady takes over his body. Two knucklehead drifters, who resemble poor-man's-Indiana-Jones-wannabes, stumble onto the situation and try to exorcise the writer's demon, but all hell breaks loose and soon the townsfolk all turn into poorly-made-up zombies. In the process, tons of horror in-jokes pop up: you get the Friday the 13th-like creepy hobo elder who repeatedly warns the protagonists "You're doomed!" at every chance he gets; a slapstick exorcism straight out of (you guessed it) The Exorcist; a stubborn mayor willing to conceal a potential disaster in order to secure tourist profits, a la Jaws; and a final act that's equal parts The Fog and Night of the Living Dead. Hell, there's even this totally random, pointless Taxi Driver dig seen in the following clip:



Unfortunately, Hysterical is one of the many deserving films that has yet to receive the DVD treatment (right next to Night of the Creeps and Whiteboyz....yes, I said Whiteboyz; any film that features a scene where a corny-ass wigger gets stomped out for being a corny-ass wigger is worth a purchase). Actually, I think it's actually available on DVD, but only buy-able through used vendors who overcharge for it. "Out of print," in other words. Last year, however, I was able to retrieve the old dubbed VHS from my parents' basement. I watched it, instantly. The laughs just weren't as potent, sadly, and a piece of my childhood died on the spot. I've come to realize, though, that Hysterical's charms were purely products of the time I originally enjoyed them....my pre-teen years.

Back then, my sense of humor was hardly even juvenile. Shit, I found Jeff Goldbum's/Ed Begley Jr.'s Transylvania 6-500 to be comedy gold, and that's a horror-spoof even flimsier than Hysterical. Though, one deserving of a post entry similar to this one in the future, undoubtedly. Hysterical didn't have to genuinely be "funny," or even slightly intelligent. It just needed to include some big zombie setpieces (Check), jokes that even young horror heads could appreciate (Double Check), and not exceed 90 minutes in running time, to meet my immature attention span (Check Cubed).



Not even sure what brought Hysterical to mind tonight. Maybe because I just finished watching Quarantine on DVD, and pseudo-zombie vibe brought the undead to mind. Or, maybe I just need some feelgood laughter, something that early-year memories the likes of Hysterical can always register.