Goin' To My Happy-Place....

[DISCLAIMER: Those who truly know me know that I pretty much never do the degree of ego-massaging that I'm about to do....so do realize, this is far from narcissistic. If anything, its incredibly therapeutic.]

Sad or not, it's a rarity for me to outright declare, as if I'm atop a mountain, screaming 'til my lungs collapse for all the lands to hear: "I feel damn good about myself these days."

My reason for not voicing such sentiments more often isn't a "woe is me, I'm down on myself" pity party at all, though, so don't go thinking the worst. Well, maybe sometimes it is, but that's not the theme of this here post. Negativity, kick rocks, bitch. I'm just not one to bask in my own accomplishments and/or pride, to my own detriment. Call it "being humble," if you will. Or just personal blindness.

But recently, I've been learning the value of self-worth, and how crucial it is to realize and appreciate the gifts and uniqueness that I flaunt, and offer to those interested in receiving.

Not exactly sure what the exact catalyst has been....and the more I try pinpointing it, I keep going back to kind-of esoteric places, areas of my self-interest-zone that I not-so-long-ago thought were the exact reasons why I've been feeling a disconnect from some friends lately. And probably still are, honestly, re: disconnect causes. But with the bad sometimes, as they say, whoever they are, comes the good, and more and more, my little quirks are becoming increasingly endearing. At least to me, and that's a great place to start, I'd think.

Perpahs the best explanation for this newfound extra-confidence is the fact that I haven't really done shit in the last month or so. In terms of going out to bars/clubs/lounges. Sure, there's been an occasional night here and there, but about a miniscule fraction's worth compared to the months prior. What this sabbatical-of-sorts has done, I'm noticing, is to clear my head and allow admittance for secular vices to join the mental party. As a result, Petron shots have been replaced by literature such as Lehane's Shutter Island and Ketchum's Red, and vodka-tonics have given way to foreign flicks the likes of Irreversible and Calvaire. My energy and efforts once devoted to dating and politicking with the opposite sex have been redirected toward seeking out further films and books I've neglected to experience as of now, in hopes of further cramming my imagination to capacity, so when my own creative ideas and mentally-constructed storyboards etch themselves clearly in my noggin, I'll be armed and ready to fire them into tangible form(s).

I can feel the reunion of Matt and the Drink-fueled Nightlife coming....but now, I'm confident that I'll curb the enthusiasm better than ever before, and limit the debauchery to one night a weekend, saving the other for the continued development of these quirky vices. Sort of like M.B. 2.0. A droid reprogrammed to self-entertain stronger than ever and engage those around me in new and exciting ways.

How I see this....now, I have tons and oodles and bundles of interesting shit to share with those who want to lend an ear or both lobes. I've always been able to discuss secular shit, and I kinda feel like its one of my more charming attributes. But now, I'm overflowing with things and ideas to recommend to friends....now if only I had more friends who'd actually give a shit and would voluntarily seek out the things I encourage.

But "it is what it is," as one of life's most recycled cliches attests to. I'm just happy to know that the esoteric sides of myself that I too-long deemed unattractive and the opposite of appealing now feel cool. As the other sude of the pillow, even.

And that's not something I've ever been able to exclaim before, without a hint of fabricated forcefulness. Can't wait to see what further growth reveals itself in the time to come.....okay, enough with the Stuart Smalley shit here.

**Changing subjects hastily now....is it just me, or does this Lady Gaga chick exude slutty sexiness in that "Just Dance" video?? Turns me on, can't lie....