Shit That I Love.....

Spookies is a film that'll forever remain near and dear to my heart. Sure, I watch some flicks and shout "that was one of the worst fucking movies I've ever seen" often, even recently with the putrid The Happening. But I'm fairly convinced that I'll live out the remainder of my breathing-days convinced that 1986's Spookies is indeed the largest piece of cinematic fecal matter that my brown eyes have ever scoped.

Shitty movies, typically, aren't ones you'd want to give repeat viewings to. Ever. But 'tis not the case here....Spookies is so awesomely terrible that it defies such logic. Piss-poor dialogue, jerkoff protagonists (one dude, the requisite "badass" character, wears an extra-medium-sized leather jumpsuit thats so small it shows extensive potbelly and ends every sentence with "...or somethin'"), and absolutely zero shreds of cohesion. All key ingredients for "turn this shit off now" in any other case, but again, Spookies is the glorious exception to the rule.



Plot-wise....well, there really is no discernable plot. Thing about Spookies is, its a nip-and-tuck job of a film. This bullshit studio was trying to make three horror movies at the same time, and after realizing how shitty each was and how much dough was being crapped down their business toilets, they stopped production on all three movies. But, in a bit of craftiness, the studio decided to just piece the three totally-individual flicks together into one. So with Spookies, you have a Frankenstein's monster of a film, stitched together from the deceased remains of a trio of celluloid shit. You can't make this kinda shit up, huh? Well, maybe you could. Whatever.

So what you're left with is....a generic "kids trapped in an unfamiliar house" setup with some of the most annoying "kids" ever, of course all being played by people in their 30s-and-older; and then there's dumbass actual-kid who runs away from home and stumbles across this haunted house, where birthday presents have been arranged in the dining room in his honor, but then some cat-man spoils the party by clawing the shit out of his face for no real reason; and then there's this magician-looking sorcerer dude who lives in the attic, it seems, and he's trying to resurrect his once-bride, who is currently in a coma; and then sorcerer-man proceeds to pet Cat-Man. And then our characters play with a Ouija board in a bit of Evil Dead-bitery. And there's this "funny guy" who wears a shirt with his own picture on it and talks through some raggedy handpuppet. And then zombies show up. And then monsters fart uncontrollably. And then your head hurts from actually sitting through this catastrophic clusterfuck.

But then there's me, watching it with such boyish glee and sheer entertainment-euphoria, basking in all the absurdity farting monsters.



Its tough to put the dogshit-ness of Spookies into words, honestly. I'm struggling a bit right now in my efforts. So I'll just jot down some choice scenes....

**in the basement, two of our "heroes" happen across 'lust-crazed muck men,' as described on the VHS box-backside. But what these things are, really, are bootleg Swamp Things that exude fart noises with every step they take. Dead ass (pun intended).

**some random chick suddenly becomes our main character at the end, and escapes from the haunted house. She clinbs down the side of house, and as she steps foot onto the grass, this zombie-meets-Jabba-the-Hut lookin' creature greets her with: "Mamma! Mamma! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

**after our new main heroine escapes this neverending crowd of zombies, using some head-fakes and bobs-and-weaves that'd make Emmitt Smith applaud, she runs into a dude who is just chilling in the woods, sitting next to his car. With dozens of undead about five feet behind her, she jumps into dude's car, so he opens the door, knowing the zombies are there, and says, "Hey lady, what are you doing in my car?"

I could go on and on, but I fear that writing about these scenes does their actual shit-quality little justice. So I'll just show some footage, thanks to the Tube of You:



[this is comic relief guy getting his, and notice how he says "...or somethin'"....]



[check out the monster's costume here....I think I saw this whole costume at Party City last Halloween...]



Okay, I wouldn't be fair-guy if I didn't give this flick it's miniscule due. A few of the monsters in the film are kinda-cool looking (that Party City reject not included), and some of the death scenes show glimmers of nifty imagination. But overall, this is a shit taco of the heartburning degree of no other.

The first time I saw it was one Saturday night at like midnight on Channel 11, back when I was, give or take, 13 years old or so. My dad, who was in the room reading a book or something (I sound like that dicknose character now...."..or somethin'!"), started watching it with me, both of us captivated by the god-awfulness in which we were voluntarily subjecting ourselves to. And once it ended, we laughed together for a good ten minutes. And then we stayed up for like two hours just recalling certain scenes and giggling like LSD-trippers. Sort of an unexpected father/son bonding session over some truly garbage-y cinema. A couple years later, my dad saw a Spookies VHS tape in a bargain bin at KMart for like $5, and thankfully he copped it so we'd forever be able to watch it.

This is the kinda movie that potheads dream about.....blaze one up, toke away, and laugh your ass off at the charming and irresistably-shit Spookies.

Speaking of bad movies, how fucking awesome of a show was Mystery Science Theater 3000??? I wish I was filthy-stinkin-rich, I'd but every episode of the classicness on DVD. On that note, if anybody ever needs some gift ideas for yours truly, birthday-holiday-whenever, MST3K DVDS would win, undoubtedly.