Dating Schmating

I had a sudden realization about 20 minutes ago....if it'd be socially and emotionally acceptable to be single forever, I'd gladly do it. Skip all of the bullshit and gaming that dating brings; never again sit up at night wondering when I'm going to meet "the one"; randomly hook up and never have to guesstimate when the last time we'll ever talk will be (two days from now? two weeks from now? two minutes, perhaps?). It's just that, the damn normalcy of starting a family/getting married/having kids/settling down keeps getting in the way of what could be a totally pleasant existence. One where it's just me, myself, and I ultimately, aside from my great family and friends. I'm talking romantically, emotionally here.

I went out for drinks tonight, and it was a nice time. But still, watching couples mingle, and watching guys trying to pick up women, none of it interested me in the least tonight., In fact, it all sickened me to a degree. It's such a waste of time....I'd much rather just have some drinks and not worry about "yo man, go talk to that girl," or, "we gotta hook up tonight." That never leads to anything more than one more number in my cell phonebook that I'm never going to call, and will surely delete in the months to come after I ask myself, "who the hell is Michelle?"

I see my niece and nephew, and dream of the day when I'll have rugrats of my own. But of course, to have said rugrats, it requires me finding her, and entrusting her with my heart and all that jazz. And with the luck I've had in my life, that's a scary thought. Will it ever happen? My resume doesn't bode well. There's the girl who strung me along for over two years trying to figure out racial issues, neglecting the fact that I was the best guy she'd ever talked to (her own words) over something I can't even control (me being a cracka-ass cracka); there's the girl who was too much of a chump to tell me flat out "you're not the one for me," and also strung me along for almost two years using "I hate long distance relationships" as her defense, only to ultimately start dating some dude with zero personality who, ironically enough, lives 30 minutes away from me, while she's across the country; there's the girl who likes flirt with me, knowing my I kinda like her, and telling me she kinda likes me too, but doesnt want anything serious right now, yet contradicts herself from time to time.

I could go on and on, really. There's some girls I've pretty much decided to cut all ties with, even though they may not even realize it. If they hit me on Myspace out of the blue some day, I'll reply with a simple comment of "kick rocks," for all their friends to see and speculate over. There are some girls (maybe only one or two, really), who I do care for but just don't know how to make it work, and don't want to cut ties with, even.

It's tough for me. Not many girls my age or any age, for that matter, want to sit around and talk about Watchmen while watching Inside, after agreeing excitedly to be my guest to a midnight screening of Mirrors on a Saturday night, an evening when they could be otherwise drinking and partying with others. Maybe the girl who'd enjoy these things is out there. I sure hope she is. But until I find her, I've decided to not give a fuck about having not found her yet.

If not for any other huge reason, I really want for Gianna and Nicholas to have some first cousins to play with and grow old with, and the only way for that to happen is for me to settle down. Question is, when in God's name will that happen? Why can't I find the one? Does she even exist? Why can't one of these random drunken hook-ups turn out to be something more? Why can't I just meet a cool girl while sober and not have to socialize in an alcoholic setting?

Because really, I'm such a walking contradiction. I love going to the movies once a week by myself, but I'd be lying if I didnt say that having the same female partner sitting next to me, eating Twizzlers and sippin' on $5 flat soda wouldn't make the moviegoing experience much sweeter. Plus, I have some weddings to attend in the not-too-distant future, and I'd love to have a date to bring that was a true date, not just a friend or acquaintance who loves weddings. The middle component of a 'homie lover friend.' I have too many female homies and friends. Now it's time to find that lover. What a damn contradiction I am. I wouldn't have it any other way. The act of daily self-discovery is what ultimately drives me. The time when I think, 'I just totally figured myself out" will be a day that I'll forever refer to afterward as Doomsday.